pamimp’s blog

Guess it's time to take down the Easter decorations, before CP's promised reminder in August I might add.  Time to celebrate Squid Season now. 

Happy Squid to all.

So I guess it's time to take down the Christmas decorations in here. 

Whatever you happen to celebrate this time of year, I hope the spirit of love, peace and goodwill make it the best holiday season ever. 

My daughter just had her ultrasound and the baby is a girl.  Due date is May 2nd.  Yay!!!!!!! 

So, since no one ever comes here because my blog is so lame, I figured it would be safe to talk to myself here about how I've been feeling since the fires.  Actually, the fires are still burning and we may be getting more Santa Ana winds at the end of the week.  Not good. 

I think I had a mild case of PTSD or something.  Even though I wasn't evacuated, I never knew from one hour to the next if that was going to change.  So I sat glued to the TV for 3 days and worried.  I worried the most about my pregnant daughter who could see flames from her window.  I worried about all my co-workers and friends.  I worried a lot about one of my best friends who was in the early evacuation area (she refuses to get a cell phone and no one knew how to reach her).  I worried about my sister's house, which is on 10 dry acres out in the boonies.  They were evacuated and she's in the final stages of ovarian cancer.  I worried about my nephew who is in the highway patrol and worked the fires.  I worried about the firefighters.  I worried about people who might be worried about me (like my friends on another bored who I couldn't contact).  I worried about people's pets and the wild animals.  I worried about how kids would be emotionally scarred by this disaster.  I worried about strangers who might not have gotten out of their homes.  I worried about my work that wasn't getting done. 

On the 3rd day I slept a lot.  I was afraid to go anywhere that day because the fire was close and I was afraid I might not be able to get home.  Plus, the mayor was asking people to stay off the roads out of the way of emergency vehicles and evacuees.  I had stuff packed and ready to go if I had to leave.  The fire closest to me was not the biggest one, so the news channels weren't keeping up with that one so much.  There was nothing on all the major TV channels except non-stop, uninterrupted coverage of the fires and evacuation centers.  Tragedy and horror everywhere around me.  The air was smokey and I could hear sirens on and off throughout the whole ordeal.  Even though I hadn't gone anywhere or done anything, I felt groggy and tired. 

I went back to work last Thursday, but I was still afraid about leaving my home.  It was good to see people and start getting back to normal.  I felt like hugging everyone and I did hug some of my friends.  The whole time at work, though, I had this feeling like nothing was real.  I felt real withdrawn and quiet and I would catch myself staring off into space a lot.  At the same time, I was jumpy and the least little thing would spook me.  I couldn't really focus well on work, but I was one of the only assistants who came in, so anything I did was appreciated.  The only way I can describe it is that everything around me seemed surreal. 

Thursday night I was watching the news and started crying.  It totally overwhelmed me how much was lost and how good people were being to each other.  I was sobbing like a big idiot over the freaking news.  I think the "unreal" feeling was starting to wear off a little.  Even today, I still have to fight back a well of emotions that are still there.  All it takes is for someone to do something nice for someone else and I get all choked up.  Last night I saw a procession of about 10 fire trucks and got all choked up again.  WTF??

The weirdest thing is how my body aches.  It's mostly in my neck, shoulders and back, but it's pretty bad.  I think it's from all the tension and anxiety.  Other people have told me they feel the same way.  You don't really realize how much you tense up and hold it in when something like that is happening.  I must be overly sensitive or something because I hear other people saying stuff like, "We were evacuated for 3 days, but overall we fared really well."  I can't imagine what they went through wondering about their home for 3 days.  A lot of people had it much worse than I did, so I feel kind of guilty about whining here.  I guess we all bounce back at our own rate.

Anyway, I was really lucky not to lose anyone or anything in the fires.  I only know of 1 person in our company (700 people in San Diego) who lost their home.  That's pretty amazing considering how close to the Witch Fire area our offices are.  Our company is taking good care of this guy, which of course, chokes me up.  I feel a little more "with it" today, but I'm still not 100% back to my normal self.  I can tell because my sense of humor isn't completely there and I still a closet basket case of emotions. 

I don't really need any sympathy or anything and there are so many other people who do need it.  The stories that are coming out of this are horrendous.  I mainly just wanted to write about how I felt because it seems so weird and I don't want to forget about it down the road.  This is not the first time I've experienced wildfires in San Diego, and it probably won't be the last, but this was definitely the worst. 

If anyone is worried about me, I'm safe and doing well.  I have not been evacuated and probably won't be, but I do have a bag packed just in case.  My work is closed to anyone non-essential because of the smoke.  It's so far from where I live that I'm afraid to go up there anyway. 

My daughter is also safe and has not been evacuated, but it got pretty scary last night and I was up late keeping an eye on news reports.  I have family and friends who are not as lucky, but at least they are safe.  Please send prayers and good mojo for the firefighters who have been injured.  I hope everyone else is safe too.   

It's still hot, windy and extremely dry today, but we're hoping for a shift in the winds by about 3:00pm PDT this afternoon.  A little rain would be nice too. 

My heart goes out to all who are impacted. 

Go to http://www.alleycat.org/index.html and do what you can.